How do i feel today? ( 14 days after my baby died )

i feel i'm losing my sanity.....

everyday, i always woke up around 4am to 5am... then i  look at my 2 boys and suddenly begin to cry...  

My mind keeps on rewinding on the days that i was in the hospital and about to give birth to Keann...

Thinking of the What Ifs... 

Thinking of the possibility that i am holding my 3rd son, alive and healthy...

Feeling guilty for giving my family the hurt of losing a family member...

Feeling guilty for making so many wrong decisions... for being hard-headed and not listening to others...

And then i will fall asleep, tired of crying...

By day...

I would stay inside my room or just inside the house...

I don't want anyone to see me, I cannot look into their eyes, because i always see in their eyes how sorry they are for me... for my family.. and that added to the guilt that i feel...

With mel...

He would let me cry in his shoulder... And i feel he's trying to be strong, after all that happened, for me and for our kids...

I don't have the courage to tell him how guilty i feel because it might add to the depression that we both feel...

and being not open with him breaks my heart...

i thought, maybe, one of these days, when the hurt is less felt and we have fully accepted it all, then maybe i could openly talk about it...

 When i'm with my kids, this is the only time i feel normal... Their playfulness and the noise they make around the house, numbs the pain.

But there are times when they ask for their baby brother, and then the hurt comes back again. 

These past few days, i constantly needed their hugs and "i love yous".. and it never fail to make me feel better...

Why does it feel like i'm losing my sanity? Because, i still feel the hurt and the pain, but at the same time, i have to feel numb and be better for my family... Inspite of the tears, i have to control it and still smile, for my kids..

Inspite of my What Ifs, i have to believe and have faith... 

for now i know, i can only survive if i stayed sane.