How do i feel today? ( 14 days after my baby died )

i feel i'm losing my sanity.....

everyday, i always woke up around 4am to 5am... then i  look at my 2 boys and suddenly begin to cry...  

My mind keeps on rewinding on the days that i was in the hospital and about to give birth to Keann...

Thinking of the What Ifs... 

Thinking of the possibility that i am holding my 3rd son, alive and healthy...

Feeling guilty for giving my family the hurt of losing a family member...

Feeling guilty for making so many wrong decisions... for being hard-headed and not listening to others...

And then i will fall asleep, tired of crying...

By day...

I would stay inside my room or just inside the house...

I don't want anyone to see me, I cannot look into their eyes, because i always see in their eyes how sorry they are for me... for my family.. and that added to the guilt that i feel...

With mel...

He would let me cry in his shoulder... And i feel he's trying to be strong, after all that happened, for me and for our kids...

I don't have the courage to tell him how guilty i feel because it might add to the depression that we both feel...

and being not open with him breaks my heart...

i thought, maybe, one of these days, when the hurt is less felt and we have fully accepted it all, then maybe i could openly talk about it...

 When i'm with my kids, this is the only time i feel normal... Their playfulness and the noise they make around the house, numbs the pain.

But there are times when they ask for their baby brother, and then the hurt comes back again. 

These past few days, i constantly needed their hugs and "i love yous".. and it never fail to make me feel better...

Why does it feel like i'm losing my sanity? Because, i still feel the hurt and the pain, but at the same time, i have to feel numb and be better for my family... Inspite of the tears, i have to control it and still smile, for my kids..

Inspite of my What Ifs, i have to believe and have faith... 

for now i know, i can only survive if i stayed sane.

To my baby Keann Deangelo R. Salvan....

You came as a surprise to mama and papa, But we accepted you with all our heart..

The nine months with you were the busiest mama and papa had been...

While you were in my womb, mama and papa were having our ups and down, but thanks to you, we held on..

And from then on, we started planning for our family's future. We were gettting ready for your arrival to the family...

Kuya Karl and Kent, every night practiced singing your lullaby. Kuya Karl even composed a song for you...

The Three Little Butterfly
--------------------------
The three little butterfly, the three happy butterfly.
They happy get a nectar and back to the honey house..
The friend the bee are happy....
lubeelubeebuuuu...



Every night they would talk to you thru mommy's tummy, and you talk back thru your taekwando kicks.

Mama and papa and your kuyas cant wait to hold you in our arms....

The days before your arrival were the longest, still. Mommy and kuya kenneth would walk and walk until you came...

When it was time to go to the hospital, mom waited in labor for 2 hours, but you never came...

Until at 10:51 of Feb 5, 2012 you were lifted from mama's tummy thru a caesarian section, that left a scar that we will forever share....

As my whole body was shivering from the meds, i was patiently waiting for your cry, But it never came...

On the morning of Feb 7, when your doctor personally came to me and explain your situation, i felt something was wrong.

But we were hopeful that within 72 hours or more there is still hope.....

By 4pm, i felt it...

When lola started preping me to see you at NICU, i braced myself. I pretended to be strong for you....

While i was holding you, i felt you heard my lullubye i was singing for you. The one we prepared to sing for you, because
you hold my hand back....

THANK YOU KEANN FOR WAITING FOR MAMA....

I whisphered to God and asked for a miracle..and i realized YOU ARE ALREADY MY MIRACLE...You have waited painstakingly for mama to be ok, before you said your goodbye...

Our 20minutes together was not enough but you made mama happy nevertheless...

I love you my baby angel, and you will be forever in our hearts...