Monday, October 10, 2011

The WebDIS Project

I named this as the title of my latest blog entry because, this project started it all.

This blog is an expression of me, and not of the company that i represent.
This blog entry does not aim to affect or destroy my company or my standing in the company(i hope!),
but i am to share my personal experiences and hopefully learn from it.

I am not blogging about the work details of this project, instead, i will
share on how this project changed my life, personally.

My boss says, this is my "baby", but little did he know that this "baby" almost
ruined my life...

By the start of the project, i was excited. I had to attend sunday school, for 2 months,
to study a new programming language... I realized, i will cut my weekend time
with my family, but i thought of it as a sacrifice, so i could be better on
my craft and eventually be able to get high pay for it...

After the training, we have been given a 3-month deadline to put the site
up and running. These entails 3 months of staying late at the office,
working on weekends, and even working at home after going home late.

I had to talk to my husband and make him emphatize with me on my on-going project.
He had to take the kids to their doctor's checkup. Or fetch them at school.
Or go on leave, when no yaya is available for the kids. I felt my motherly
duties were transfered to him.

That's not all...

I have to endure many emotional stress in the office just by dealing with
co-workers who were equally pressured by the deadline. There came a time, when
i cant take it anymore and cried my heart out on a corner desk hiding from my boss
and colleagues.

I also had to endure being called "bwiset" because i was just doing what i
was instructed to do. I had to be the antagonist for the whole project just
to get all tasks done.

When the project was up and running, i thought i could finally rest.

But i was wrong...

The same time that the project was so demanding because of the support and training
needed with implementing a new project, i was mending the effects of the many
months that i was not there for my family....

Yes... I'm blaming this project for almost breaking my marriage....

The months that i was not there for my husband..
while he took care of the kids and the house.

he became addicted to facebook and chatting.

he never mind my absence because he was busy chatting and facebooking...

let's just say, he found company of others thru the net, in my absence.

when i discovered this, i was hurt. at first i was so angry at my husband, for being weak to temptations.
i cried every night, thinking how my husband betrayed my trust and our marriage vows..

i wanted out.

i even kicked him out of our home, for i felt, i was cheated in my own house.

but he never left.

everynight, i would cry in bed, he would hear me and tell me how sorry he was.
but his sorry was never enough...i'll still cry, i can't sleep until morning..

at night, i would cry. while i had to be ok by day at work.

i became tired. tired of hurting. tired of being tired.

it was good that he never left the house. i was able to see how sorry he was by being with the kids.
my heart constantly hurt seeing him with my kids, and seeing how beautiful my family was.
and seeing it fall apart.

i had to stop hurting and move on, for my kids and for my self.
i have decided to end it all with my husband and live anew.

i decided to stop ignoring him and talk to him and end it.

but it all changed, when i heard his side.

i continously told him, how hurt i am for what he did. and asked him, why did he do it.

he told me... it was because... I WAS NOT ALWAYS THERE...
in my absence, he look for other company...
he felt, we were growing apart...
and instead of coming to me, to the BUSY ME, he found refuge to the company of others...

he has no-one to share his thoughts to.
he felt alone.

after hearing this... i still blamed him..
i blamed him for being weak..
for giving in to temptation..
for not coming to me instead..
i would have appreciated it if he would chat with me instead..
or text or call me instead...

i blamed him for being addicted to facebook and chatting..
and for being easily tempted...

i also told him how disgusted i am, for being "un-pure" as my partner.

How can i live a life with him, not knowing that he would never do this again...
How will i know that i am the only one he desires for now..

Days passed, and it still hurt. We were living in one house, not talking to each other.
And making the kids not notice. Even my In-Laws noticed, but didn't say anything.

Being in this situation really hurts...

Seeing how the family you've started is little by little falling apart. It breaks my heart, knowing
that my kids will never have a complete family. I still cried every night realizing
that the baby inside me would never experience a complete family...

to be continued....

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