Secrets To A Lasting Marriage

Excerpt from
By Yahoo! Special Projects | Fabulous Mom – Mon, Feb 13, 2012 10:58 AM PHT


By Pierra Calasanz-Labrador for Yahoo! Southeast Asia

 A day after Valentine's day, this post was in my Yahoo! News, and i definitely agree on it's content... So, i am reposting, hoping to share my own experiences related to this post. Maybe somebody can be enlightened...

My hubby and I are only married 7 years, but our marriage has been tested by all kinds of marital issues, and i'm proud to say, that we have conquered them all. However, still afraid of issues to come, but with constant learning and loving... i believe we can conquer them all.

You vowed to love each other for better or for worse, till death do you part…but how do you keep these promises from sounding like a death sentence when the honeymoon is over?

Happily married couples often share that the secret to their longevity is treating their spouse as their lover as well as their best friend. For a professional perspective on making relationships go the distance, we chatted with Pilar Tolentino, Executive Director of Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM).

Be pro-active about your issues
Gone are the days when couples counseling meant you were headed for splitsville. Instead of being confused by conflicting unsolicited advice, many modern couples seek professional or spiritual guidance from a neutral third party. Tolentino shares: "There are different reasons couples come to counseling: the need for clarification on certain issues like parenting, roles and expectations; because of a current crisis like accidents, death, or financials; or to find healing like in cases of infidelity. A common factor is to seek assistance in understanding, accepting, and healing a current situation that is causing pain or confusion in the relationship."

May 2009, when we humbly seek the support of parents and attended a Marriage Encounter Weekend. That time i was kicking him out of the house and wanted separation, then i saw a post from a Forum about it and tried it. Hoping for 2nd chance for our marriage. Even if i was so angry at him, i still gave our marriage a 2nd chance. And true enough, these people are still our support group. We were able to share our problems with them, without them judging us, and guide us through their advises and support. It was not a bad decision to seek support, to open to those who knows better, even our parents are good support groups however based on experience, its very hard to open up to them because you dont want them seeing you on your lowest point.

So go, find your own support group, even at the moment, you dont have marital issues at hand. Most of the time, God will send his Love thru these people....




The element of surprise
Every so often, do something unexpected to keep the passion alive. Says Tolentino, "Simple thoughtful acts—like surprise visit to his/her office for a lunch date, love-notes, weekend getaways, cooking special meals, giving gifts even when there's no occasion, a soothing massage—can add flavor to daily routines as a couple."

My hubby dont shower me with gifts, because we agreed to keep it simple. We are both mountaineers and from that we learned to live with what we have and what is only essential. But, with this kind of lifestyle, we learn to appreciate the simplest things that we do for each other. A simple coffee time shared on saturday mornings... Sunday Lunch with the family... Hubby fetching me from the office... A walk around the neighborhood... A once in a while movie date...All this simple things, when remembered are very special and touching..

Put your partner before your pride
Instead of playing the blame game, put yourself in your spouse's shoes and see the situation from his point of view. Review your Corinthians 1:13. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

In one homily that i attended, the priest sermoned about how married couple should set aside pride..Without asking who pays the bills, or who gives the bigger income to the marriage or who's more correct.. that time i was already contemplating on sending hubby abroad because he's not giving enough, but this made me realize, there are things that he do that compensate his shortcomings..i maybe the biggest contributor financially, but most of the time i dont have time to do things that a mother/wife should be doing because of work... and i realized our marriage worked because we compensate each other, so why ruin this situation when we can work together to make our marriage better....

Cool off before saying something hurtful
Newlyweds are always advised to "never let the sun set on an argument," but when you're boiling mad, someone's definitely sleeping on the couch. Tolentino shares, "It's probably not literally 'sleeping angry,' but do not let an argument go unresolved. Dialogue when each of you has cooled down. If an agreement is not yet possible at that point, at least acknowledge and respect the spouse's feelings. Seek assistance, like counseling, if this will help." Sometimes, it's the seemingly innocuous little arguments that can snowball into one big disaster. Tolentino says: "Breakdown of marriages usually happens when 'minor' conflicts are not addressed. These 'minor' problems can build up negative emotions."

In one of our marital fights, i tend to bring out again older issues, and these brings out previous hurt. Sometimes i forgot that we already resolved these issues and argue on it again... and it brings out the same hurt again... Sometimes, its better to forget these things from the past and just remember the good memories... when u matture you begin the master the art of understanding your husband and instead, focus on your life ahead

Don't assume your partner is a mind-reader
Many people don't know how to express their feelings, or worse, expect that their partner should know what they want. "It is important that openness and communication is encouraged in the relationship. Set aside time for just the two of you at least once a week. Give your spouse your full attention; listen without judgment. Remember that communication is two-way."

Hayyy... this is one thing i always forget.. Minsan,i am so stressed with things about the house, financials or stressed that i cry at night, i felt alone in facing our family problems and issues... And then i get mad at my husband for not helping me ... But when the anger subsides, i will realize that he will never understand because he really has no idea what im going through unless i tell him... So, i lessen the time to be a drama queen and practiced how to be open with him...

Show your appreciation daily
A marriage's silent enemy is being taken for granted. Don't wait till bitterness sets in before you try to "bring back that loving feeling." Everyday, pay your spouse a sincere compliment, show your gratitude, and express your affection. "Remember the things you value about your marriage and the good traits of your spouse. This will help reaffirm your commitment and strengthen you in facing the challenges that may come your way. Make an effort to make your spouse feel important, appreciated, and loved. Love has to be expressed."

My hubby and I dont practice telling each other i love you's and i miss you's. So minsan, when i am upset or stressed saying these things can lessen the negative feelings... When we make love, he tells me to caress him more or ask me to tell him i love him and it give me the feeling that he needs me pala to tell this things and so when im in the mood, i make him feel that way..and most of the time, it gives me a good feeling kasi no negative vibes between us.


Grow (old) together
Getting married doesn't mean giving up your individuality. When you're in a relationship that allows for personal growth, you each bring something to the relationship. Tolentino puts it this way: "One main element in a happy marriage are two happy individuals. Each one must give importance to the well-being of the other. Each one must be supported, respected, affirmed, appreciated and loved."  However, don't forget to enjoy shared activities as well, so that you grow together.

 Sometimes, when you are at your senti moment, naiisip mo, baket ba sya yung binigay sayo ni Lord... and when you ask your self these questions, you will get your answer... You will realize that your partner compliments you.. and completes you.. and then you'll realize, you want to grow old with him. 

The advice Tolentino dishes most often is this: "Remember that you are partners. Appreciate each one's contribution in strengthening the relationship, respect each other as equal, look out for the well-being of the other as you would for yourself." Bottomline: with love, affection, laughter, faith, limitless patience and mutual respect, your relationship can deepen after the honeymoon and you can look forward to living happily EVEN after.

Contact CEFAM at phone +63 2 4264289 — 92, email <cefam_ed@yahoo.com.ph> or <www.cefam.ph>.

The WebDIS Project

I named this as the title of my latest blog entry because, this project started it all.

This blog is an expression of me, and not of the company that i represent.
This blog entry does not aim to affect or destroy my company or my standing in the company(i hope!),
but i am to share my personal experiences and hopefully learn from it.

I am not blogging about the work details of this project, instead, i will
share on how this project changed my life, personally.

My boss says, this is my "baby", but little did he know that this "baby" almost
ruined my life...

By the start of the project, i was excited. I had to attend sunday school, for 2 months,
to study a new programming language... I realized, i will cut my weekend time
with my family, but i thought of it as a sacrifice, so i could be better on
my craft and eventually be able to get high pay for it...

After the training, we have been given a 3-month deadline to put the site
up and running. These entails 3 months of staying late at the office,
working on weekends, and even working at home after going home late.

I had to talk to my husband and make him emphatize with me on my on-going project.
He had to take the kids to their doctor's checkup. Or fetch them at school.
Or go on leave, when no yaya is available for the kids. I felt my motherly
duties were transfered to him.

That's not all...

I have to endure many emotional stress in the office just by dealing with
co-workers who were equally pressured by the deadline. There came a time, when
i cant take it anymore and cried my heart out on a corner desk hiding from my boss
and colleagues.

I also had to endure being called "bwiset" because i was just doing what i
was instructed to do. I had to be the antagonist for the whole project just
to get all tasks done.

When the project was up and running, i thought i could finally rest.

But i was wrong...

The same time that the project was so demanding because of the support and training
needed with implementing a new project, i was mending the effects of the many
months that i was not there for my family....

Yes... I'm blaming this project for almost breaking my marriage....

The months that i was not there for my husband..
while he took care of the kids and the house.

he became addicted to facebook and chatting.

he never mind my absence because he was busy chatting and facebooking...

let's just say, he found company of others thru the net, in my absence.

when i discovered this, i was hurt. at first i was so angry at my husband, for being weak to temptations.
i cried every night, thinking how my husband betrayed my trust and our marriage vows..

i wanted out.

i even kicked him out of our home, for i felt, i was cheated in my own house.

but he never left.

everynight, i would cry in bed, he would hear me and tell me how sorry he was.
but his sorry was never enough...i'll still cry, i can't sleep until morning..

at night, i would cry. while i had to be ok by day at work.

i became tired. tired of hurting. tired of being tired.

it was good that he never left the house. i was able to see how sorry he was by being with the kids.
my heart constantly hurt seeing him with my kids, and seeing how beautiful my family was.
and seeing it fall apart.

i had to stop hurting and move on, for my kids and for my self.
i have decided to end it all with my husband and live anew.

i decided to stop ignoring him and talk to him and end it.

but it all changed, when i heard his side.

i continously told him, how hurt i am for what he did. and asked him, why did he do it.

he told me... it was because... I WAS NOT ALWAYS THERE...
in my absence, he look for other company...
he felt, we were growing apart...
and instead of coming to me, to the BUSY ME, he found refuge to the company of others...

he has no-one to share his thoughts to.
he felt alone.

after hearing this... i still blamed him..
i blamed him for being weak..
for giving in to temptation..
for not coming to me instead..
i would have appreciated it if he would chat with me instead..
or text or call me instead...

i blamed him for being addicted to facebook and chatting..
and for being easily tempted...

i also told him how disgusted i am, for being "un-pure" as my partner.

How can i live a life with him, not knowing that he would never do this again...
How will i know that i am the only one he desires for now..
...
...

Days passed, and it still hurt. We were living in one house, not talking to each other.
And making the kids not notice. Even my In-Laws noticed, but didn't say anything.

Being in this situation really hurts...

Seeing how the family you've started is little by little falling apart. It breaks my heart, knowing
that my kids will never have a complete family. I still cried every night realizing
that the baby inside me would never experience a complete family...


to be continued....

My Marriage Encounter Weekend

February 13, 2011 --  Today, a day before Valentines day..i just felt it as an ordinary day. Maybe because i have to report to office on a sunday and work, and because the day was simple. My family went to church, cooked and shared lunch with the family.

And then, while i was thinking of something to write on my blog, i came across my friends in ME..It was months since i've seen our friends from this community and with an ME weekend coming this March.. I decided to read my blog again about it and share it on my new blog...

After reading my blog... I felt renewed again..it was like i just graduated from my ME weekend..Inspired again to pass it forward..

Being a realistic person, i'm aware of the hardship of committing to a relationship nowadays. Especially, building a family of your own.. Be it your decision or fate brought it to you... Sometimes, we need help from our peers or someone to show us how its done the right way. We are not perfect, we cannot live by ourselves... we need help from others...  I am only starting my family.. and thru ME, ive been taught how to handle tough times... I may not be perfect and and for sure, i will stumble again, but i know where to stand again,, i believe in my marriage and i will hold on to it...

Read on my previous blog, and i hope to touch your heart and give in to the experience....


MY MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER WEEKEND - originally written May 27, 2009
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May 22-24, 2009 at La Sallete Retreat House, Silang Cavite, My husband, Melvin and Me attended our MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER WEEKEND.

TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE ENCOUNTER.
My youngest son, Kent, was having continous fever for a week. We thought it was only because he was teething ( he's on his 7th month, that time). He was irritated all the time, we're having difficulty in feeding him milk. He doesn't want to be left alone. Then on the 5th day, when we thought his fever has subsided, rashes started showing all over his body, We bought him immediately to the hospital. Based on the lab test and checkups, he had a rasiola (Tigdas Hangin). A mild viral sickness very common to infants his age and will eventually go away. We just have to prevent convulsions due to high fever. Thankfully, his fever never came back and by the 6th & 7th day, he was on his way to recovery.
By that same week, my husband's company was planning a day-trip company outing in Villa Escudero,Quezon Province. At the same time, my family was having a reunion that same weekend. Since my kid was sick, i decided not to go. I decided that my kid needs me most. But my husband still went to their company outing. Since it was only a day-trip, i reluctantly agreed. His reason was he will have to pay for the budget set for him if he cancel. He went home that same night from the day-trip.

Then come the next day. He told me, this time they will be going to zambales. This time for a department outing. I told him, i dont like him to go, but he insist. This resulted to anrgument. I screemed just to tell him how much i sacrificed just to be with out kid, and then he would be somewhere enjoying themselves. I felt soooooo jealous and felt it was unfair for me and my kid. But despite our argument, he still went to Zambales...

I was sooooooooo angry at what he's done. Kaya ginawa ko, sa galit ko, tinawagan ko sya at pinagmumura ko sa telepono. Alam ko naririnig nya ako, pero hindi sya sumasagot, na lalo kong ikinagalit. Kaya ang ginawa ko, isinako ko lahat ng gamit nya, polo, pantalon, brief, pambahay,sapatos, tsinelas. Medyas lang yata nakalimutan ko. Sa galit ko sa kanya, pinadala ko lahat sa nanay nya sa Laguna lahat ng gamit nya para hindi na sya umuwi sa bahay namin. Pagkatapos, tnext ko sya na binigay ko na sa nanay mo lahat ng gamit mo. Wag ka nang umuwi dito.

Come the next day. Umuwi pa rin sya sa bahay. Ang point nya, kaya sya umalis ayaw nyang sabayan ang galit ko. Ang point ko, hindi sya dapat umalis dahil nagpapagaling pa lang yung bunso namin. Hindi rin naman makatarungan na ako sinakripisyo ko yung family reunion ko, para magalaga ng anak namin. Tapos sya! 2 magkasunod na outing. Sobra namang pagpapasarap yun! Kaya talgang galit na galit ako sa kanya. Sabihin na nilang senti ako pero dapat sa katulad nyang 2 na ang anak, sobra na ang mga lakad nya. Lagi na lang namin pinagaawayan ang mga out-of-town nya, dahil nga mountaineer kami pareho, siguro akala nya na ok lang sakin yung pagalis alis nya. Hayyyy utak mountaineer talga! Pardon my judgement, pero halos lahat kasi ng kakilala kong mountaineer puro yabang nasa utak. Senya na mga kapatid, nagpapaka totoo lang...!

Sobrang eksena sa bahay namin that night. Talagang determined akong paalisin siya ng bahay sa galit ko sa knya. Hinamon ko pa sya na kung hindi sya aalis, kami ng anak nya ang aalis. So habang nag papack ako ng gamit ng mga anak ko, eh tinawagan nya ang mommy ko, pati mommy nya. Nakikiusap sya na pakiusapan ako na wag na umalis at wag na rin sya paalisin. Pero talgang determined ako paalisin sya. Sa sobrang ayaw kong papigil, nasuntok ko sya, sinipa, kinagat... Pero lahat yung tinanggap nya, buti nga di sya gumanti, baka kung saan ako pulutin. Sa laki nya, durog durong ako pag nagkataon. Saktan ko na lang daw sya, wag ko lang sya palayasin...

In short, sa sobrang tagal naming nagpipigilan at naghahatakan, napagod ako. Kaya humupa ako. Kaya dinaan ko na lang sa iyak. Sabi ko sa knya, Hindi ko talaga sya kakausapin sa sobrang galit ko sa knya. Kaya umalis na lang sya. Pero hindi pa rin sya umalis. Reason nya, lalong lalala ang situation kapag umalis sya or ako. Nagiyakan na lang kaming 2. Laking pasasalamat ko kay Glen at nandun sya para maging referee namin.

After that night, our routine around the house went to normal, aside from the fact that i'm totally not talking to my husband. We eat at the same table, but we dont talk. I slept in karl's room while he stayed with Kenneth for the whole night. But he still attempts to talk to me, but i dont respond. As if i dont hear him talking. Im determined to make him feel sorry. On the 3rd day, he told me, he miss me. But im still cold. Though im hurting inside, im determined to make him realize our importance.

During that week, when my mind and feelings are in turmoil. I seek advise from mommies from Smart Parenting.com forum. That was the time when i saw Mommy Frances' invitation to join the Marriage Encounter Weekend. With no second thought, i signed up for the Weekend, even without consenting with my husband.  I know this will be an opportunity for us settle our issue. Both our families were very supportive to us and volunteered to take care of the kids and the house while we're gone for the weekend. As to my husband, i didnt gave him any other choice other than to be with me.. hehehe

MARRIAGE ENCOUNTER WEEKEND.


NIGHT 1. When we were asked to introduced our partner, we are to tell one endearing characteristic of our partner. With no doubt i told them how my husband is a very responsible father to our kids. And my husband introduced me as a patient wife. When we were alone, i asked him, why did he described me as a patient wife, considering our last fight. He told me, "kaya ka lang naman sumabog nung nagaway tayo, kasi pinipigil mo yung galit mo sakin". Nice answer...

DAY 1. We awoke ahead of the other couples that day. We wanted to take a walk around the place and find our "spot". And we did found it. It was a shaded bench under the big acacia tree, facing a wide pond. Picture Perfect! Sabi nga ng husband ko, Kahit walang camera, he will still remember that spot. With coffee and some biscuits that we shared, we talked about our marriage, our kids, our plans and how we enjoyed the simpleness of our life.

Still in day 1. During the seminar, we are task to answers reflection questions and write our answers in forms of love letters to our partner. then after the reflections we will have a dialoge with our partners and talk about what we wrote. During those exercises, i was able to express my thoughts to my husband. Also, more importantly, i was able to realize that i was being bossy with him. He told me as As if im the king of the house. I explained why i was like that and he understands. We also made compromises on our shortcomings.
We were taught to accept that our life as a couple is still bound to have problems and trials along the way because of our differece as individuals. But through acceptance and strong bond between the two of us and also with God's guidance, we will be able to go through it all.

DAY 2. We woke up early again, Walk around the garden and talked on our favorite spot. But this time, i felt so secured and hopeful that all things will be better from now on. I felt, we're a renewed married couple. I was certain, that i want to be with this man for the rest of my life. I was more that ready to face the trials. I was ready to be what i am. And most importantly, i was thankful for this path that i have taken.

Day 2. Since this was our last day, we were tasked to write a letter to God. In my letter, i thanked the person who posted the MEW invitation and all the other people who made that weekend possible. I also thank Him for making me realize that marriage is not an easy task but He'll guide me along the way. He made me thankful  and more appreciative of my husband and the other blessings that He gave me during our marriage. I was so eager to go home that day, to start the rest of our lives together. I also realized that there are more couple who have more bigger problems than we have and for that, i feel blessed.

We graduated from our Marriage Encounter Weekend that day, but what i learned and my realizations will be my guide in the continuation of my marriage. I also met a bunch of new circle of friends. These are what i call worthy friends because they intend to support me and my husband throughout our marriage. And for that, i am thankful.

After the marriage encounter, we will undergo a 90-day evaluation of our marriage. And then after that, when we're worthy enough, we can influence other couples to enjoy an ME weekenend. And be blessed, like how we've been blessed.

Now, my husband and I started anew. As we we're taught that LOVE IS A DECISION, we have decided to continue with our marriage and to continue to be strong in all the trials.

To my husband, thank you for accepting and loving me, even with my shortcomings. I promise to be by your side always and forever. Thank you for giving me such beautiful family that i will treasure for the rest of my life.

To other wives out there, who have troubles in their marriage or even those with no troubles, i advise you to attend a Marriage Encounter Weekend.

Its worth it.

INTIMATE WEEKEND FOR YOU AND HUBBY -- for free

If you are married for at least a year , I strongly suggest that you and your hubby attend an ME Weekend.  ( Church wedding not required )

Together with my husband, we attended this weekend 3 months ago and I can proudly say that our relationship became stronger and we are now more open to each other.

This ME weekend will, with no doubt, improve your relationship on all aspects of marriage, be it financial, spiritual, emotional and also sexual.

This can also be a gift to your partner. An intimate weekend that’s free from the hussle and buzzers of life. During our ME Weekend, I was able to forget our problems at home and the deadlines at work. I was able to relax my mind and concentrate on my husband alone. During the weekend, we both were able to talk about our marriage and get to know each other more.
( Refer to my blog on the details of the weekend http://choclit.multiply.com/journal/item/30/Marriage_Encounter_Weekend )

There will be another ME Weekend and I invite you to experience what we have experienced.

This weekend will be for free… We will take you to and from the venue… Start of the weekend will be on March 4, Friday Dinner until March 6 Sunday Lunch.

If your interested give me your name together with your spouse’s name, contact details ( Yahoo id, mobile number, email address ) and I will reserve a room for you both.

Here are my contact details
Mobile: 09392120577
Yahoo id: choclit_jfr
Email Add: joraymasalvan@yahoo.com
Landline: 4177472 – Home
   9374434 loc 181 (Office)

My thoughts on Infidelity.. (repost from my other blog)

Infidelity…

Recently, i read a blog regarding a similar situation… i would not want to go into details, since this will encalcate different queries.. and its not my business to disclose.

I also read this a thousand times in forums regarding relationships and married life. This also has been the most topic among friends and family.

I’ve also talked to many people, who shared their own take on this problem. But, for me, the best answer, rather, solution that i’ve received was this… This came from a chat-mate, single guy, around 30ish. I dont know if he speaks from experience or just smart.

Read on..

Infidelity is a common situation…

infidelity…

nobody is immune here and lets not judge anybody if it will happen…

If it doesn’t happen…then GREAT!

But if it happens……it should be managed carefully..

People who fall into infidelity should follow a CODE.

First! A code of SILENCE…It includes plausible deniability. Both partners should take extra efforts to conceal, deny and obfuscate.

Second! Both sides should have a clear picture of their first PRIORITIES in life and do all to meet these priorities….evertyhing else is… a far secondary.

Third! Both partners should be AWARE and have a clear reason why they engage in infidelity and why through infidelity satisfies a specific need or a gap the marriage they are coming from. Once this need is fulfilled, then go back to normal life.

Simple but true. These answers the undying question of how to handle situation on infidelity.

For me, ANY MARRIAGE IS WORTH SAVING. Period.

Never there are married couple who’s relationship is 100% smooth. Mine is not. But im destined to hold on to it. There will be bumps along the way, whether you like it or not. But ending the marriage is not always the solution. Hold on to it. As you have promised during your wedding day.

This is just a phase in your married life where your bond is being tested. This will eventually strengthen your marriage bond. You’ll be proud someday when your 50ish and still holding your partner’s hand while playing with your grand children.

Follow the CODE. It will help.