The Word of the Lord this October 14, 2012

8am, went to church with the family.....

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God"

The priest started his homily by asking the church "Sinong mahirap dito?" and almost all raised their hands including me, without hesitation.

And then my youngest son Kenneth, asked me "Mayaman ba tayo mama?" and i honestly dont know what to answer, but i nodded to a Yes.

And i listened on... and some part of the sermon that i remember that made me realized, I am not poor.. and i am not rich either.... i realized that I am BLESSED....everyday of my life...

The only poor people are those that eat once a day or sometimes not at all... While me and my family eats 5 times a day, sometimes 7 with midnight snack and early coffee morning  included..

The only poor people are those who have no home to shelter them... While me and my family has 2 houses, one where we stay and the other we rented out for additional income...

The only poor people are those alone, with no body to share or take care of them.. While i am well taken care of by my husband and i have a beautiful family close to me...

When the priest told this poor conditions, that i am not in, he told me, those who raised their hands when he asked if "Sinong Mahirap?" were hipocrites... me included....

And at the back of my mind, it made me realized... "OO nga no..." Napakaraming blessings na binigay skin ni Lord, pero ang nasa isip ko ay Mahirap pa rin ako...

Walking home, i realized, i have to treasure all the blessings that is being given to me... I may not have a grand house, but i still have a house that i can call home and a family that gives me happiness bar none.

Indeed... I am BLESSED...

Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Mark 10:17-30.
As Jesus was setting out on a journey, a man ran up, knelt down before him, and asked him, «Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?»
Jesus answered him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone.
You know the commandments: 'You shall not kill; you shall not commit adultery; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness; you shall not defraud; honor your father and your mother.'"
He replied and said to him, "Teacher, all of these I have observed from my youth."
Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, "You are lacking in one thing. Go, sell what you have, and give to (the) poor and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me."
At that statement his face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions.
Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!"
The disciples were amazed at his words. So Jesus again said to them in reply, "Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God!
It is easier for a camel to pass through (the) eye of (a) needle than for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of God."
They were exceedingly astonished and said among themselves, "Then who can be saved?"
Jesus looked at them and said, "For human beings it is impossible, but not for God. All things are possible for God."
Peter began to say to him, "We have given up everything and followed you."
Jesus said, "Amen, I say to you, there is no one who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands for my sake and for the sake of the gospel
who will not receive a hundred times more now in this present age: houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and eternal life in the age to come.

How do i feel today? ( 14 days after my baby died )

i feel i'm losing my sanity.....

everyday, i always woke up around 4am to 5am... then i  look at my 2 boys and suddenly begin to cry...  

My mind keeps on rewinding on the days that i was in the hospital and about to give birth to Keann...

Thinking of the What Ifs... 

Thinking of the possibility that i am holding my 3rd son, alive and healthy...

Feeling guilty for giving my family the hurt of losing a family member...

Feeling guilty for making so many wrong decisions... for being hard-headed and not listening to others...

And then i will fall asleep, tired of crying...

By day...

I would stay inside my room or just inside the house...

I don't want anyone to see me, I cannot look into their eyes, because i always see in their eyes how sorry they are for me... for my family.. and that added to the guilt that i feel...

With mel...

He would let me cry in his shoulder... And i feel he's trying to be strong, after all that happened, for me and for our kids...

I don't have the courage to tell him how guilty i feel because it might add to the depression that we both feel...

and being not open with him breaks my heart...

i thought, maybe, one of these days, when the hurt is less felt and we have fully accepted it all, then maybe i could openly talk about it...

 When i'm with my kids, this is the only time i feel normal... Their playfulness and the noise they make around the house, numbs the pain.

But there are times when they ask for their baby brother, and then the hurt comes back again. 

These past few days, i constantly needed their hugs and "i love yous".. and it never fail to make me feel better...

Why does it feel like i'm losing my sanity? Because, i still feel the hurt and the pain, but at the same time, i have to feel numb and be better for my family... Inspite of the tears, i have to control it and still smile, for my kids..

Inspite of my What Ifs, i have to believe and have faith... 

for now i know, i can only survive if i stayed sane.

To my baby Keann Deangelo R. Salvan....

You came as a surprise to mama and papa, But we accepted you with all our heart..

The nine months with you were the busiest mama and papa had been...

While you were in my womb, mama and papa were having our ups and down, but thanks to you, we held on..

And from then on, we started planning for our family's future. We were gettting ready for your arrival to the family...

Kuya Karl and Kent, every night practiced singing your lullaby. Kuya Karl even composed a song for you...

The Three Little Butterfly
--------------------------
The three little butterfly, the three happy butterfly.
They happy get a nectar and back to the honey house..
The friend the bee are happy....
lubeelubeebuuuu...



Every night they would talk to you thru mommy's tummy, and you talk back thru your taekwando kicks.

Mama and papa and your kuyas cant wait to hold you in our arms....

The days before your arrival were the longest, still. Mommy and kuya kenneth would walk and walk until you came...

When it was time to go to the hospital, mom waited in labor for 2 hours, but you never came...

Until at 10:51 of Feb 5, 2012 you were lifted from mama's tummy thru a caesarian section, that left a scar that we will forever share....

As my whole body was shivering from the meds, i was patiently waiting for your cry, But it never came...

On the morning of Feb 7, when your doctor personally came to me and explain your situation, i felt something was wrong.

But we were hopeful that within 72 hours or more there is still hope.....

By 4pm, i felt it...

When lola started preping me to see you at NICU, i braced myself. I pretended to be strong for you....

While i was holding you, i felt you heard my lullubye i was singing for you. The one we prepared to sing for you, because
you hold my hand back....

THANK YOU KEANN FOR WAITING FOR MAMA....

I whisphered to God and asked for a miracle..and i realized YOU ARE ALREADY MY MIRACLE...You have waited painstakingly for mama to be ok, before you said your goodbye...

Our 20minutes together was not enough but you made mama happy nevertheless...

I love you my baby angel, and you will be forever in our hearts...

My thoughts on Infidelity.. (repost from my other blog)

Infidelity…

Recently, i read a blog regarding a similar situation… i would not want to go into details, since this will encalcate different queries.. and its not my business to disclose.

I also read this a thousand times in forums regarding relationships and married life. This also has been the most topic among friends and family.

I’ve also talked to many people, who shared their own take on this problem. But, for me, the best answer, rather, solution that i’ve received was this… This came from a chat-mate, single guy, around 30ish. I dont know if he speaks from experience or just smart.

Read on..

Infidelity is a common situation…

infidelity…

nobody is immune here and lets not judge anybody if it will happen…

If it doesn’t happen…then GREAT!

But if it happens……it should be managed carefully..

People who fall into infidelity should follow a CODE.

First! A code of SILENCE…It includes plausible deniability. Both partners should take extra efforts to conceal, deny and obfuscate.

Second! Both sides should have a clear picture of their first PRIORITIES in life and do all to meet these priorities….evertyhing else is… a far secondary.

Third! Both partners should be AWARE and have a clear reason why they engage in infidelity and why through infidelity satisfies a specific need or a gap the marriage they are coming from. Once this need is fulfilled, then go back to normal life.

Simple but true. These answers the undying question of how to handle situation on infidelity.

For me, ANY MARRIAGE IS WORTH SAVING. Period.

Never there are married couple who’s relationship is 100% smooth. Mine is not. But im destined to hold on to it. There will be bumps along the way, whether you like it or not. But ending the marriage is not always the solution. Hold on to it. As you have promised during your wedding day.

This is just a phase in your married life where your bond is being tested. This will eventually strengthen your marriage bond. You’ll be proud someday when your 50ish and still holding your partner’s hand while playing with your grand children.

Follow the CODE. It will help.